This is a written reminder for me and any other soul who is dancing with their shadow right now, that cozying up to our dark stuff actually DOES make a difference and when this dance becomes part of life, it can shift things. Shadow work for the most part is invisible and slow to show but it's good, vital medicine especially now as we are in this grand shift on earth.
My biggest shadow piece to work with this life has been that I was adopted. This abandonment shadow ran undetected through me like a dark river, calling all the shots. What I didn't know until just recently is I that I felt ashamed for existing. Sounds extreme, I know....and yet there it is.
Of course I didn't "know" any of this until I began process painting and walking my self discovery path. The past few years working with this core wound has been front and center, asking to be claimed. This work culminated with the discovery of my biological mother. I have wondered most of my life about her story and what she was like. Did I look like her? Did we have similar voices? Did she like what I liked?
When I reached out, she was not interested in having any contact, not even to share medical information. Of course this brought the abandonment and shame up all over again, in the deepest of ways. I wrote about it some HERE.
I worked a LOT this Summer and Fall detaching from a shame I have carried in me all of my life. I wrote, I created in my Journal and I alchemized the shit out of it.
Flash forward to last month and I was feeling trapped. I really experienced trapped - how it felt in my body, what it had to say, realizing it may have originated in the womb - then it all shifted. I created in my book with the anger of feeling trapped and some pretty nasty shit came out.
Then, it no longer needed my attention.
The shift made room for other things to arrive and in that space.... about midway through the month, a big dose of intuition showed up.
One early morning, I felt strongly that I needed to contact the wife of my biological uncle via social media. My bio mom had stayed with my aunt and uncle while pregnant with me and even though I had been vehemently rejected by my bio mom just 5 months earlier and did not want to go through another rejection, I felt strongly she would respond.
Long story short....I took the risk and reached out... she wrote back and my life will never be the same. She and my uncle wanted to adopt me. Like really wanted to adopt me and I was never forgotten. When they were finally able to have their own children, they were told about me and their children told their kids about me too. They have been hoping I would contact them and have been waiting for me my entire life.
WHAT?? And YES...and Holy shit.
At one point during our initial conversation, my aunt said "You have been wanted and loved all of your life" and instantly my heart exploded open. I could feel her words travel through my entire body, quickly disintegrating my old story of "no one wants me and everyone leaves". This was a game changer on a cellular level.
I have already met everyone (except my bio mom of course) and we seem to fit pretty nicely. I was truly seen by this amazing family and it is already making a huge difference in me.
I can't help but think that ALL of the inner excavation work I have done over the past 20 some years has led me here. I faced and loved my shadow and this is what showed up. Of course I had to listen to my intuition as well as clear myself out a bit in order for it to arrive.
I also have NO expectations of a smooth sailin' life for the rest of my days here, that's a fantasy. What I know for sure is I am wanted and I feel worthy of it. I am ready for a new chapter that begins from this place. YES!
UPDATE - 4/4/23
Through various family connections, I was able to reconnect with my birthmother and we now have a warm and friendly relationship. She texts me weekly to check in and to tell me she loves me and we have lunch together every few months! I absolutely believe NONE of this could have happened without the deep work and release described in this post.