Tuesday, February 5, 2019

I Have No Idea What's Going On



The more I can go with the flow of what is occurring in my life, the less I "know" what's going on or happening next or even what needs to be done until... I am right there, in the moment. 

It's been weird not writing copious To Do lists, as I've done in the past. There's definitely more of a chaotic feel to things leaving so much to "chance". But there's also this deliciousness in not knowing (because really, what did I truly know anyway?) It feels like there is room in between the cracks, allowing for some magic to seep in.

Don't get me wrong. I am not in a place where I'm living entirely like this day in and day out. However moments of this sublime freedom do seem to come along with more frequency.

I have no idea what the hell is going on....and I kinda like it!



Stephanie Gray is a writer, artist, process arts facilitator and creative self–discoverist.

Her main focus is working with people as they make their way through life transitions by providing suggestions on how to stay connected to self during shifting times. Stephanie combines art making, creative writing, active listening, heart-based questioning and over 20 years of her own self-discovery practice to assist individuals in living a more authentic life, cultivating awareness of their sacred selves.

Stephanie facilitates creative self-discovery in person from her home  -  Inside Out Studio - and online with folks all over the globe (The Walkabout and HeART Journaling).Stephanie is co-founder of Creative Nectar Studio


Saturday, January 5, 2019

Shadow Work - A Big Pay Off



This is a written reminder for me and any other soul who is dancing with their shadow right now, that cozying up to our dark stuff actually DOES make a difference and when this dance becomes part of life, it can shift things. Shadow work for the most part is invisible and slow to show but it's good, vital medicine especially now as we are in this grand shift on earth.

My biggest shadow piece to work with this life has been that I was adopted. This abandonment shadow ran undetected through me like a dark river, calling all the shots. What I didn't know until just recently is I that I felt ashamed for existing. Sounds extreme, I know....and yet there it is.

Of course I didn't "know" any of this until I began process painting and walking my self discovery path. The past few years working with this core wound has been front and center, asking to be claimed. This work culminated with the discovery of my biological mother. I have wondered most of my life about her story and what she was like. Did I look like her? Did we have similar voices? Did she like what I liked? 




 When I reached out, she was not interested in having any contact, not even to share medical information. Of course this brought the abandonment and shame up all over again, in the deepest of ways. I wrote about it some HERE.

I worked a LOT this Summer and Fall detaching from a shame I have carried in me all of my life. I wrote, I created in my Journal and I alchemized the shit out of it.





Flash forward to last month and I was feeling trapped. I really experienced trapped - how it felt in my body, what it had to say, realizing it may have originated in the womb - then it all shifted. I created in my book with the anger of feeling trapped and some pretty nasty shit came out.





 Then, it no longer needed my attention.

The shift made room for other things to arrive and in that space.... about midway through the month, a big dose of intuition showed up.

One early morning, I felt strongly that I needed to contact the wife of my biological uncle via social media. My bio mom had stayed with my aunt and uncle while pregnant with me and even though I had been vehemently rejected by my bio mom just 5 months earlier and did not want to go through another rejection, I felt strongly she would respond.

Long story short....I took the risk and reached out... she wrote back and my life will never be the same. She and my uncle wanted to adopt me. Like really wanted to adopt me and I was never forgotten. When they were finally able to have their own children, they were told about me and their children told their kids about me too. They have been hoping I would contact them and have been waiting for me my entire life.

WHAT?? And YES...and Holy shit.

At one point during our initial conversation, my aunt said "You have been wanted and loved all of your life" and instantly my heart exploded open. I could feel her words travel through my entire body, quickly disintegrating my old story of "no one wants me and everyone leaves". This was a game changer on a cellular level.

I have already met everyone (except my bio mom of course) and we seem to fit pretty nicely. I was truly seen by this amazing family and it is already making a huge difference in me.

I can't help but think that ALL of the inner excavation work I have done over the past 20 some years has led me here. I faced and loved my shadow and this is what showed up. Of course I had to listen to my intuition as well as clear myself out a bit in order for it to arrive.

I also have NO expectations of a smooth sailin' life for the rest of my days here, that's a fantasy. What I know for sure is I am wanted and I feel worthy of it. I am ready for a new chapter that begins from this place. YES!





Sunday, December 9, 2018

Feeling Trapped and Shining My Light




Feeling lost and trapped this morning. 

"Trapped" is something that has come up for me again and again since I was very little (geography, relationships, physical illness). I work with the feelings of trapped in my body. I Paint them. I Write about them. This is all good and allows space around the tightness. 

I am also reminded today that "The Sacred has me right where She/He wants me" and that I can look on adversity of any kind as a reminder that I can shine my light despite what I might consider to be "broken" or a "problem". I don't have to wait to get rid of, or transmute anything...I can be, as I am and my light is right here waiting for me (thank you Matt Kahn). 

And I can hold more than one thing at once. I feel trapped and deeply loved at the same time. I feel tired and on fire at the same time.

There is truly nothing to fix. I can trust and I can continue to call myself back home, over and over again with a gentleness sorely needed right now.

Monday, November 12, 2018

Letting Go of Trying

I worked on this page in my altered book a few weeks before meeting with NK

For my birthday last month, I was gifted a 2 hour Zoom session with Neil Kramer....oh man, delightful! 

Among other things, I asked him for help figuring out what on earth I was supposed to be doing to earn money and support myself while staying true to my authentic self. He chuckled and said basically to continue getting to know myself in the most unrestricted of ways and things would find their way to me and that when we restrict ourselves, it stops the flow. When we uncover our true essence, it acts as a magnet and all that is right for that moment will be drawn to us. In a nutshell, keep doing me and the rest will follow.

Well, as you might imagine this was a monumental relief....and scary as hell. I am the one who likes to make lists and goals and polish my perfection. How on earth can I get somewhere if I don't know where I am going first? I mean, don't I need a map? Shouldn't I "google" it to find out what to expect? And holy shit, what will people think if I am just living my life to know my authentic self?

It is becoming clear to me how I have abdicated myself and my internal power over to others....my entire life. It's not my job to be a martyr for anyone or anything. It may have been how I was raised...but the buck stops here. No more.

Just do me. Huh....what a concept. And although it may sound arrogant and selfish...it's not. It's actually the biggest thing I can do for myself and for the planet (as above so below). I clean up my insides and polish my lamp's light and I can walk about as a movable feast of love. I can genuinely be of service in every moment because I truly love and care for myself. I can go with the flow.





Stephanie Gray is a writer, artist, process arts facilitator and creative self–discoverist.

Her main focus is working with people as they make their way through life transitions by providing suggestions on how to stay connected to self during shifting times. Stephanie combines art making, creative writing, active listening, heart-based questioning and over 20 years of her own self-discovery practice to assist individuals in living a more authentic life, cultivating awareness of their sacred selves.

Stephanie facilitates creative self-discovery in person from her home  -  Inside Out Studio - and online with folks all over the globe (The Walkabout and HeART Journaling).Stephanie is co-founder of Creative Nectar Studio