Sunday, December 9, 2018

Feeling Trapped and Shining My Light




Feeling lost and trapped this morning. 

"Trapped" is something that has come up for me again and again since I was very little (geography, relationships, physical illness). I work with the feelings of trapped in my body. I Paint them. I Write about them. This is all good and allows space around the tightness. 

I am also reminded today that "The Sacred has me right where She/He wants me" and that I can look on adversity of any kind as a reminder that I can shine my light despite what I might consider to be "broken" or a "problem". I don't have to wait to get rid of, or transmute anything...I can be, as I am and my light is right here waiting for me (thank you Matt Kahn). 

And I can hold more than one thing at once. I feel trapped and deeply loved at the same time. I feel tired and on fire at the same time.

There is truly nothing to fix. I can trust and I can continue to call myself back home, over and over again with a gentleness sorely needed right now.

Monday, November 12, 2018

Letting Go of Trying

I worked on this page in my altered book a few weeks before meeting with NK

For my birthday last month, I was gifted a 2 hour Zoom session with Neil Kramer....oh man, delightful! 

Among other things, I asked him for help figuring out what on earth I was supposed to be doing to earn money and support myself while staying true to my authentic self. He chuckled and said basically to continue getting to know myself in the most unrestricted of ways and things would find their way to me and that when we restrict ourselves, it stops the flow. When we uncover our true essence, it acts as a magnet and all that is right for that moment will be drawn to us. In a nutshell, keep doing me and the rest will follow.

Well, as you might imagine this was a monumental relief....and scary as hell. I am the one who likes to make lists and goals and polish my perfection. How on earth can I get somewhere if I don't know where I am going first? I mean, don't I need a map? Shouldn't I "google" it to find out what to expect? And holy shit, what will people think if I am just living my life to know my authentic self?

It is becoming clear to me how I have abdicated myself and my internal power over to others....my entire life. It's not my job to be a martyr for anyone or anything. It may have been how I was raised...but the buck stops here. No more.

Just do me. Huh....what a concept. And although it may sound arrogant and selfish...it's not. It's actually the biggest thing I can do for myself and for the planet (as above so below). I clean up my insides and polish my lamp's light and I can walk about as a movable feast of love. I can genuinely be of service in every moment because I truly love and care for myself. I can go with the flow.





Stephanie Gray is a writer, artist, process arts facilitator and creative self–discoverist.

Her main focus is working with people as they make their way through life transitions by providing suggestions on how to stay connected to self during shifting times. Stephanie combines art making, creative writing, active listening, heart-based questioning and over 20 years of her own self-discovery practice to assist individuals in living a more authentic life, cultivating awareness of their sacred selves.

Stephanie facilitates creative self-discovery in person from her home  -  Inside Out Studio - and online with folks all over the globe (The Walkabout and HeART Journaling).Stephanie is co-founder of Creative Nectar Studio

Sunday, October 21, 2018

Reciprocity - Meet Me Half Way



This self discovery thing is not for the weak of heart! It's been an interesting Fall so far. I will try to explain.

In a nutshell, ANY situation where I have been doing all or most of the energetic work - relationships, studio, household - has fallen away. And when I mean fallen away, I mean it's become impossible for me to do it because my body has a visceral and painful reaction. At one time, these things were done with ease....they have now become unbearable.

I also find no blame - for myself or in others. In my old way of doing things, I would have loved to blame the people or situations behind these tasks. Blame would have given me something to mentally chew on for weeks! This too has fallen away. 

I now see only how I have set this pattern up all of my life. It's been part of the don't rock the boat and stay invisible bit I played in order to stay safe from abandonment, ridicule and rejection.

That delightful word I wrote about a few years ago, reciprocity, has come back around and I seem to be working through another layer in my understanding of what energetic equality is about for me - showing up. 

I am also loosening the reigns on how someone wants to show up. I get it, we all show up differently and as we can. ALL I ask is to be consistent in the way you can and I will meet you half way.

What will no longer be happening is my conscious participation in the act of people unburdening themselves all over me and walking away....only to return weeks or months later, to do it all over again. It leaves me holding an empty bag. I feel malnourished and half crazed. It is up to me to set some sturdy boundaries around this, no matter how uncomfortable it feels. Again, no one to blame....just not going to participate anymore.

So here I go, again. Reciprocity and a deeper understanding of what that means for me. It feels good and a little scary to let this latest layer go. What will fill the gaping void that's left after living my entire life this way?

Stay tuned!




Stephanie Gray is a writer, artist, process arts facilitator and creative self–discoverist.

Her main focus is working with people as they make their way through life transitions by providing suggestions on how to stay connected to self during shifting times. Stephanie combines art making, creative writing, active listening, heart-based questioning and over 20 years of her own self-discovery practice to assist individuals in living a more authentic life, cultivating awareness of their sacred selves.

Stephanie facilitates creative self-discovery in person from her home  -  Inside Out Studio - and online with folks all over the globe (The Walkabout and HeART Journaling).

Stephanie is co-founder of Creative Nectar Studio

Monday, October 1, 2018

Make A Wish



Below is a portion of a Walkabout letter I wrote to my dear friend and mentor, Sarah Oblinger, on my birthday this year. This is my birthday wish:

I have a desire to know and love myself so well in these next few decades, that I become a movable feast unto myself. As I walk in this world, I desire to carry my embodied wholeness with a tangible essence of strength, dignity and healing grace. 

I want to love in an entirely different way, because I want to fully love myself - perhaps for the first time. And I will spread my love simply by walking around, because I live it and genuinely have it to share - a ready supply continuously regenerating deep within my being.