Sunday, July 1, 2018

The Mother Of All Wounds And A Cat With No Teeth – A Walkabout Letter To Sarah

One of the unique aspects of The Walkabout, is the ongoing correspondence Sarah Oblinger and I have with one other. We commit to being real, vulnerable and open using art, movement and words to meet our daily lives as they naturally unfold.  Until now, this has been exclusively for Walkabout participants. However, because of the profound shifts we have felt in our own lives while working this program, we decided to publicly share our correspondence. This letter is for any of you on your own self discovery journey. I hope you will follow along  with a knowing, that you are not alone.  And if you are looking for more engagement, we’d love to have you sign up for your own Walkabout with us HERE.

Morning Sarah,
The last line I wrote to you on July 1st was “What on earth will July bring?” 
HAHAHAHAHA!
NOTHING could have properly prepared me for the the shit storm looming right around the corner.
Honestly, so many raw emotionally charged events happened, I don’t have the time or energy to write them all now. So let’s see if I can capture the highlights.
As you know, I am adopted. As you also know, I have been consciously working with this shadow piece of myself for over 20 years. In the early part of July I finally received my original birth certificate providing me with the name of my biological mother. A very long story made short – she wants nothing to do with me. I mean, won’t even provide medical information.
So, how does it feel to be rejected by the woman who gave you life…..for the second time? After the shock wore off, like a cosmic kick in the gut. There was a gaping pit in my stomach and an ancient and familiar pain in my breaking heart.
I tried to act like it was fine. Like it didn’t matter. But it did. It was a huge deal. Apparently I am no longer able to trick myself into repressing. My body felt heavy and painful and very, very sick. 
 When I could endure it no further, I had to just tuck myself into bed, and feel and cry. I was being given the chance to work with my original wound. The wound I had been carrying around since birth (well really before birth as I was marinating in my mother’s shame of me before I came out). And I was able to self-soothe by talking to the tiny baby within, who frankly didn’t feel she should exist.
Things ebbed and flowed for the next week or so with some life-altering realizations and some powerful art….and more soothing and feeling.
Then, we discovered our newly adopted cat needed to have ALL of her teeth removed. I won’t go into the details, only to say her recovery has been quite slow and painful. She needed to have a feeding tube inserted the second day after her surgery. She is a tiny waif of a cat, doesn’t make a sound and just wants to be held.
Words won’t accurately describe this, but I was having profound connections between this little cat, struggling to exist and my wounded, pre-verbal baby within. A real life, living breathing animal totem for my existence wound. 
Needless to say, the depth of emotion that I have been working with lately has been intense. One afternoon after another set back, I found myself on the kitchen floor, having a massive fit screaming that “God had forsaken us ALL and that Grace no longer existed!”  
Hahaha… Deep down I knew it was quite the opposite and that this was all a massive gift (albeit exquisitely wrapped in pain) I actually caught myself in this ranting space and asked how I could do things differently. After crying a little more….I got up and knew I had to “dance it out”. I put on some80’s music and started dancing. It shifted the whole damn thing!
Your words from last month continue to float into my consciousness:
 “When I give myself the time to discern what I need, not making what is arising the enemy, I cultivate buoyancy. I strengthen my inner sustainability.”
Until very recently, I had been viewing the challenges of the past year as something that would eventually be righted and would go back to “normal”. I no longer believe this. I now believe this is the “new normal” and that I (and probably many others) am being given the opportunity to practice buoyancy via these intense times.
I couldn’t do it without you and this work though Sarah. That much is for sure.
Until next time …. buckle up Buttercup….here we go!
Love,
Steph

This was a powerful page for me to create in my altered book – a version of my truest Universal self, cutting off the shame from my bio mom and alchemizing it into power and freedom.

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