This self discovery thing is not for the weak of heart! It's been an interesting Fall so far. I will try to explain.
In a nutshell, ANY situation where I have been doing all or most of the energetic work - relationships, studio, household - has fallen away. And when I mean fallen away, I mean it's become impossible for me to do it because my body has a visceral and painful reaction. At one time, these things were done with ease....they have now become unbearable.
I also find no blame - for myself or in others. In my old way of doing things, I would have loved to blame the people or situations behind these tasks. Blame would have given me something to mentally chew on for weeks! This too has fallen away.
I now see only how I have set this pattern up all of my life. It's been part of the don't rock the boat and stay invisible bit I played in order to stay safe from abandonment, ridicule and rejection.
That delightful word I wrote about a few years ago, reciprocity, has come back around and I seem to be working through another layer in my understanding of what energetic equality is about for me - showing up.
I am also loosening the reigns on how someone wants to show up. I get it, we all show up differently and as we can. ALL I ask is to be consistent in the way you can and I will meet you half way.
What will no longer be happening is my conscious participation in the act of people unburdening themselves all over me and walking away....only to return weeks or months later, to do it all over again. It leaves me holding an empty bag. I feel malnourished and half crazed. It is up to me to set some sturdy boundaries around this, no matter how uncomfortable it feels. Again, no one to blame....just not going to participate anymore.
So here I go, again. Reciprocity and a deeper understanding of what that means for me. It feels good and a little scary to let this latest layer go. What will fill the gaping void that's left after living my entire life this way?
Stephanie Gray is a writer, artist, process arts facilitator and creative self–discoverist.
Her main focus is working with people as they make their way through life transitions by providing suggestions on how to stay connected to self during shifting times. Stephanie combines art making, creative writing, active listening, heart-based questioning and over 20 years of her own self-discovery practice to assist individuals in living a more authentic life, cultivating awareness of their sacred selves.
Stephanie offers 1x1 sessions via Zoom.