Saturday, October 29, 2016

Sacred Freak-Outs

Freak Out #1

I would be an absolute poser-fraud if I didn't share that I've been dealing with some pretty crazy anxiety lately. It's not constant and it's not debilitating, but it has knocked me off my tracks a couple of times this month.

It's unusual for me to feel so uprooted. The first time it happened, after the dust had settled, I began trying to "figure it out" composing a mental list of things that could have caused such a complete upheaval.

What showed up on my list had much to do with this material life -the world in general, scarcity, treading in unfamiliar territory, the future, body pain - and about feeling out of control. Really, it could have been almost anything. Thankfully, I had some studio time scheduled with others the next day and we worked in our altered books. The anxiety dissipated. 

 The second time, I skipped the mental list altogether and just rode it out. I didn't have to know why. I felt it, and as uncomfortable as it was, I got curious about it, and - at the risk of repeating myself here - worked in my altered book. 

Freak Out #2

Full disclosure.... There was a point this month when I questioned why it is I continue to do this work. (Clearly, I hadn't  figured anything out for myself. In terms of situating my life so I didn't have to feel certain ways and go places I didn't want to, NOTHING had changed. I still had a racing, worry-wort monkey mind and the same types of problems continually bubbled up to the surface for me to look at.)

After working in the studio yesterday, I was able to remind myself that this work has nothing to do with fixing or silencing anything. It's about cultivating the ability to call myself back home in unstable times, creating a space for self-compassion and love. 

And then I wrote this in my journal: This work is about learning to recognize our own voice that calls to us in a language only we recognize - a sacred cry - burning to be discovered and put to use.

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