A New Story About My Laziness

One of the stories I tell myself is about my “laziness”.  This particular story has been around for as long as I’ve compared myself to others and it goes a little something like this:

When I am not actively working toward something …I am lazy.
When I don’t have a plan of action…I am lazy.
When I am not working 8 hours a day…I am lazy.
When I am not creating in some way…I am lazy.

I could go on, but I am guessing you get the picture. The minute I begin to unwind, undo or let go….my inner critic starts going crazy!

If I've learned anything from this creative self- exploration stuff it’s this; the minute my gruff and burly inner critic (Mama Bear) starts to vocalize, it’s time for me to perk up, lean in and take notice of what’s truly going on. My lazy story has been playing on repeat at high volume for weeks now and I think I’ve figured out why. 

About 5 years ago I radically shifted some things in my life; one of them was to quit my day job in order to focus entirely on bringing process art and creative self-awareness to others. It was a busy and exciting time, full of hope and possibilities. My business partner (Jenny) and I didn’t have tons of money, but we made up for that with our enthusiasm and were thrilled to design our own logo, make our own signs and paint the walls in our storefront location. It was our pleasure to bring Creative Nectar Studio to life, from the inside out. We had big ideas and daydreamed about waiting lists and what to do when we were filled to capacity.

Flash forward to 4 years in, with lots of sweat and some tears behind us, we realized having a storefront location just wasn’t going to work. The overhead was too much and folks just weren’t as on fire about creative self discovery as we’d anticipated. So, we let go of the storefront and built a kick ass website. I had a small home studio built in my garage and Jen built a portable, on-the-road studio so she could bring the painting workshops to anyone.  

And now, a year into our new plan, I am having to say goodbye to more of the dream in order to make way for what is wanting to come next.  I have some idea of what wants to be born; although I get the feeling it’s not quite all of it.

 So maybe this laziness isn’t lazy at all. Maybe it’s about allowing and trusting and sitting with the uncomfortable unknown. Maybe it’s about integrating all that has happened in the last 5 years. And maybe it’s about learning to unwind, undo and let go.

 I believe my inner critic is screaming at me during this down time because she is concerned for me. She has been conditioned and taught that you must do to survive and win. She means me no harm when she insists I “get my lazy ass up and make something of myself” because she wants to protect me. And the big news is… I don’t have to believe her when she tells me “all is lost”. All is not lost because I have the most important thing - a magical and wise creature that likes to sit outside and watch the clouds float and the hawks soar - me. 

I also know when my Mama Bear Critic shows up it's usually when big underground shifts are happening. My lazy is okay and the adventure continues….

Note: This post has a theme song. Thank you John Lennon!