Skip to main content

My Very Own Bread And Circus - Uncovering My Authentic Self


Bread and Circus Definition: noun

1.something as extravagant entertainment, offered as an expedient means of pacifying discontent or diverting attention from a source of grievance.

What I have been doing just isn’t working anymore. I feel the layers of an old way slough slowly off me like a snake shedding her skin perhaps for the last time. THIS old way of being and wanting and not enoughness no longer serves me and in fact is beginning to physically hurt. It is now taking way too much effort to maintain what has always been second nature to me and unconsciously carried out with ease. This once unseen need to keep shame on the sidelines and feel accepted at all costs has lost its allure and is now seen with new eyes. This old insanity brewing within conjures a seething neurotic calling the shots from the inside. She is not me and I am no longer obliged to keep her fed.

Daily I feel how much energy it takes to hold this shit storm together and my shoulders ache from the heaviness It’s maddening and draining and I don’t want to do it anymore. And still I do. Habitually I worry about my outward appearance and how others will perceive me –  I smile when I feel like crap and suck in my belly before a picture is taken. This is how I was raised by my mother and society…and I’ve known nothing else. 

The thought of showing the world my true self, revealing all of my flaws, strikes waves of panic and shame deep inside me that roll around my pelvic floor. The conditioned good girl I’ve been feeding for years still wants to be seen damn it. She hears society’s “relevance clock” ticking in its eleventh hour and feels the urgency to spend her last “visible” years proving that she existed. She desires to maintain a sense of hipness as she provides well-balanced evidence that she’s done something meaningful with her life. Something that is worthy and kinda flashy but not too flashy. Yep, keeping this bread and circus going is too much for me now and I want to let go.

So what does letting go look like? I wish I knew. Sometimes I can feel it and there are days I have embraced it. Like the days when I wake up enthused just because I am awake and spend less time on the computer and more time in the studio – hands covered in paint. Days like this when I write because I can feel the pressure to do so welling up in me and to ignore it would be detrimental to my health. And the days when I connect heart to heart with another in authentic conversation. This is how it unfolds for me – in step with a snail’s pace. I suppose it couldn’t happen any other way or I’d likely go mad. Decades of conditioning take time to dissolve and it’s this truth that allows me to give myself a break around it all. My unwinding is happening slowly but surely and it’s a good thing. I am enough, my life is enough and I am moving towards a true wholeness, inching my way back to my authentic self.


Popular posts from this blog

Creating From The Inside Out

Hello and welcome!  I'm Stephanie and I am a Creative Transformation Guide and an intuitive frequency artist .. I have spent almost 3 decades practicing  process art  and I am passionate about using the creative process to assist others in finding their own wisdom, power and peace, so that they may live a more conscious and connected life, from the inside out.  I believe now more than ever as we navigate many global (and personal) paradigm shifts, that our creativity is vital and can be used as a tool to tap into our most authentic/Divine self.  Every single one of us is born with a creative spark nestled within. That doesn't mean we will all be artists selling our creations in galleries or writing novels. What is does mean is we ALL have the capability to create.  WE ARE CREATORS AND ARE MORE POWERFUL THAN WE KNOW.  Something happens when we decide to create just for the sake of creating. Because there is no pressure to make something pretty or have it mean anything, the brain

Internal Guidance - Feeling Into The New Paradigm

  I feel like I’ve just finished a very intense and in depth master class. If the course had a title it would probably be something like, “Adapting To The New Paradigm - Reading Your Energy To Know What’s Working” .  It’s been a totally immersive, 8 week lesson that started with looking at how much money my husband and I have and allowing the number to freak us the fuck out. So much so, that the only alternative we felt we had was to sell our home. The minute we decided this, it felt unbelievably sad and we both experienced a huge amount of grief around the idea of letting this “family member” go.  After we worked through the grief, we set about engaging in a string of contract signing with several companies and individuals who wanted to buy our house. It was excruciating and confusing to watch each deal that we'd make, magically dissolve into big piles of steamy horse excrement. All the while, each step we took was bizarrely out of sync with our normal way of being in the world. O

Frequency Minis - Small Art With A Big Heart

Something magical happened in the studio the other day! I was intuitively guided to create on pieces of small cardstock (4.25in x 5.5in) much in the same way I would on canvas or a prayer card with the exception that they would have even more intention behind them. I was intrigued and immediately started the process. It's safe to say within a few minutes, I was OBSESSED! These pieces are created for anyone who feels called to them and are charged with words and symbols, before water and color are added. Created in small batches and intuitively chosen, you'll receive the one that is meant for you in that moment.  Although the themes may change, I was currently inspired to create the following: Ease, Self Love and Empowerment Peace Love Joy  Love Flow Self Knowledge and Truth Grabbing one for you or someone you love is easy. Each mini is signed and one of a kind and priced at  $25  - this  includes shipping.  Simply click on the button, pay the amount and you will receive an ema