Skip to main content

Loving The Pieces Who Know Me By Heart

A few weeks ago I posted the following blog on Creative Nectar Studio's website ( Creative Nectar is a process painting workshop space that I co-own with my business partner Jenny Hahn. Nectar is a safe and sacred place where we explore our inner terrain with paint and paper. We are  invited to leave our masks at the door and show up as we truly are in the moment. It is a remarkable thing to be seen and held in the loving embrace of such an amazing community. I have been doing this sort of work for the good part of 17 years and it continues to work in me on a very deep level, assisting me to hear and love my own voice one brushstroke at a time. I feel that doing things that encourage us to truly love ourselves is vital as we learn to navigate our way through a world that is rapidly changing.

"The time will come when with great elation, you will greet yourself arriving, at your own door, in your own mirror, and each will smile at the other's welcome and say, sit here, Eat. You will love again the stranger who was your self. Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart..." 
—Derek Walcott,  "Love After Love"

As a young girl I can remember experimenting with this totally cool gadget called a "tape recorder". That's right, a device that could record sound on a tape with the touch of just a couple of buttons! I remember getting a little nervous and excited as I pressed the play and record buttons simultaneously. Clearing my throat, I said a few lines. What I said, I can't remember. What I can remember is how I felt when I heard my own voice. It sounded odd and disconnected and it felt bad to hear it. I was ashamed of my own voice  At that moment, I was absolutely certain that I had the ugliest voice in the world. Later that day I told my mom about it. She told me without hesitation that no one liked the sound of their own voice and that it was quite common to be turned off by the whole thing. I had not remembered this until I sat down today to write. What a perfect memory to have dancing through my head! It ties in beautifully with my journey of rediscovering my true voice and learning to value what She has to say. 

Learning to hear and like the sound of my own voice has been a long and interesting process that is far from over. For me it has much to do with weeding out the other voices installed in my head years and years ago. The voice of parent, teacher, peer and sibling all seemed to have free reign in there, while my voice remained quiet and unsure, tucked away in the back corner so she didn't take up too much room. My voice, was being a good girl.

I am beginning to hear her now. Years of painting have helped me. Also, belonging to a community of other people wanting to hear their own voice has helped. Discovering our own voice when we've been taught it's OK and expected not to like or trust it, can be a challenge. For me it starts with loving myself and making friends with the sides of  me I feel don't deserve love, inviting only the pieces of me that work and win to my "table of belonging" isn't enough. The key is to set a place for the parts I have deemed invisible and unworthy.Those discarded bits of myself are in great need of gentle compassion and a nourishing meal that only I can offer. 

Another memory emerges, of hearing my mother calling me home for dinner. The sun was starting to set and the air had a bite to it. Her voice weaved  it's way through our entire neighborhood and it was a welcoming sound. Finding my way home after a full day of  bike riding and creek dwelling felt like the best part of things.Once inside, the smell of food and the warmth of familiar voices was nourishing. I felt loved and that I belonged.

This is what I intend to give back to myself. This is how I will begin to encourage the lost pieces of my own  voice to come home.

Popular posts from this blog

Frequency Minis - Small Art With A Big Heart

Something magical happened in the studio the other day! I was intuitively guided to create on pieces of small cardstock (4.25in x 5.5in) much in the same way I would on canvas or a prayer card with the exception that they would have even more intention behind them. I was intrigued and immediately started the process. It's safe to say within a few minutes, I was OBSESSED! These pieces are created for anyone who feels called to them and are charged with words and symbols, before water and color are added. Created in small batches and intuitively chosen, you'll receive the one that is meant for you in that moment.  Although the themes may change, I was currently inspired to create the following: Ease, Self Love and Empowerment Peace Love Joy  Love Flow Self Knowledge and Truth Grabbing one for you or someone you love is easy. Each mini is signed and one of a kind and priced at  $25  - this  includes shipping.  Simply click on the button, pay the amount and you will receive an ema

Creating From The Inside Out

Hello and welcome!  I'm Stephanie and I am a Creative Transformation Guide and an intuitive frequency artist .. I have spent almost 3 decades practicing  process art  and I am passionate about using the creative process as a way to unlock my inner wisdom, power and peace. I am equally passionate about facilitating this process in others so that they may live a more conscious and connected life, from the inside out.  I believe now more than ever as we navigate many global (and personal) paradigm shifts, that our creativity is vital and can be used as a tool to tap into our most authentic/Divine self.  Every single one of us is born with a creative spark nestled within. That doesn't mean we will all be artists selling our creations in galleries or writing novels. What is does mean is we ALL have the capability to create.  WE ARE CREATORS AND ARE MORE POWERFUL THAN WE KNOW.  Something happens when we decide to create just for the sake of creating. Because there is no pressure to m

Internal Guidance - Feeling Into The New Paradigm

  I feel like I’ve just finished a very intense and in depth master class. If the course had a title it would probably be something like, “Adapting To The New Paradigm - Reading Your Energy To Know What’s Working” .  It’s been a totally immersive, 8 week lesson that started with looking at how much money my husband and I have and allowing the number to freak us the fuck out. So much so, that the only alternative we felt we had was to sell our home. The minute we decided this, it felt unbelievably sad and we both experienced a huge amount of grief around the idea of letting this “family member” go.  After we worked through the grief, we set about engaging in a string of contract signing with several companies and individuals who wanted to buy our house. It was excruciating and confusing to watch each deal that we'd make, magically dissolve into big piles of steamy horse excrement. All the while, each step we took was bizarrely out of sync with our normal way of being in the world. O