PART I – Grief, Masterpiece Theater and Staying The Course
Good Morning Sarah,
Well, in keeping with last month’s feelings about the fragility of life and meeting life at my own pace….the Universe seems to be holding my toes to the sacred fire and has sent me a pop quiz.
Thursday I had to say good-bye to one of my furry family members. My boy cat, Tilak was part of the”holy trinity” of animal companions that has helped to keep me sane and grounded for the past 17 years. The hole he has left in my heart is deep and I am grieving.
It is amazing the love I have for animals. They are so full of life and LOVE and present moment awareness……and when they leave me, I truly miss their presence.
Something struck me hard on Thursday at the Vet, as I held him for the last time. I realized I had been in similar positions with many other feline companions. But this one was different. THIS time, I was really there. I was there and awake and F**K, it was so freaking painful. I wasn’t checking out and numb to it. I was feeling every beat of his heart and his breath and smelling his fur (he always smelled really good – like graham crackers) and when they injected him with the medicine to end his suffering, I felt all of it stop as he gracefully collapsed in my arms. WOW.
So, it’s been a hard few days. I almost forgot to write you today. I am grieving. And I am okay.
I am also learning what I need in times like this. What my heart needs and what my body needs (with all of what ails her right now). It would seem I need to greatly calm my brain. I realize when I am fully present to my feelings they will pass through pretty quickly. It’s when my stories and memories kick in that keeps me in pain.
So, I have been consciously distracting myself. My brain does her brain thing and plays my memories of Tilak like a slide show. Sometimes I give in and start watching (here come the tears). And other times, I feel the pain in my heart, I paint it or scribble it, and I move on to what is next.
ALSO….(you guessed it) Netflix. HA. On Thursday when I literally could not stop crying, I finally had to get some relief and so I consciously numbed out to a long PBS Masterpiece Theater series, set in 1700’s England. Not too emotional. Not too anything except beautiful accents and scenery. AHHHH. Just what I needed. I stopped crying and was able to make myself a protein shake!
I feel like these moments, right here, when the shit hits the fan (and there is always shit and some sort of fan) is why we do this work.
Not only do I live in a more present and engaged way (which yes is sometimes much more painful) I know myself SO much better now. What do I NEED to heal? WHAT truly nourishes me? Questions only I can answer and I feel like I am doing a pretty good job of it! (please remind me of this when I am feeling otherwise, as I know I will.)
Thank you again Sarah.
I love You